Was It In Your Pocket?

It’s gone.  I swear to god it was just here, just before I went to get the chips, and now it’s gone.  How does that happen?  It’s not like it’s minute; I mean, I would see it if it were here, right?  Is it in my shoes?  Could it have fallen in there?  Is it in her shoes?  Is it weird if I reach into her shoes?  That’s probably weird.  Don’t start reaching into her shoes.  They’re small shoes anyway; it probably couldn’t disappear in there.

So where, then?  We were laying on the couch.  Is it in the couch?  Eighty-three cents and a rubber band.  Flip that cushion back the right way so she can’t see the rum and coke stain.  She’s going to be back in a second and she’s going to think you’re a crazy person.  You’re standing in the middle of your living room with half a bag of Cool Ranch Doritoes in your hand, reciting the prayer of St. Anthony under your breath, staring at the same places in sequence as if it might magically reappear in the fourth round of inspection.  Couch, end-table, coffee table, TV stand, couch, end-table, coffee table… God, this show is annoying.  Crazy person.  Stop staring.

Dear St. Anthony, come around

Something’s lost and can’t be found

Underneath the couch?  I would have had to have kicked it there.  I don’t remember kicking anything.  Still…  There’s a flashlight in the drawer.  Put the Doritoes down.  Why would you open them now?  Open them after you’ve found it.  Eating Doritoes will not help your perceptive powers.  Fine, take a handful.  There’s an inch between the couch and the carpet.  Is it under there?  These flashlight batteries are dead.  She’s coming down the stairs.  Get off the ground!  What, did you decide to do some impromptu push-ups while waiting for her?  Crazy person.

“What are you looking for?”