Two of a Kind

“Doesn’t he realize that we don’t like being out in the cold and wet anymore than he does?  I’m sick of being ignored” said Right.

            “Come on now, he’s got a lot on his mind right now.  Besides, that’s why they make us water resistant anyway” answered Left.

            “That’s right.  Water resistant, not water proof!  Hey up there! Hey asshole!  Stop stepping in puddles.” 

            “He can’t hear you.  He’s never heard you before, so why do you think this time is any different?”  Left’s tone was reproachful. 

            “At least I’m trying!  And after he spends all day getting us dirty, how often do we get cleaned?  Look at how the Shoes are treated!  Cleaned, polished, and even got new insoles earlier this year, and they’re insufferable about it!  We get mud, concrete dust, and scuff marks!”  Right was raging now. 

            “He still cleans us occasionally.  We’re for outdoor work, how clean are we supposed to be?”

            “Cleaner than this.  What about the socks, too?  Thin, worn and smell like . . . like sweaty feet!”

            “Would you prefer no socks at all?”

            “Forget the socks.  How about dog shit?  Why does he always step in dog shit with me?  Doesn’t he pay attention to anything?”

            “You act like I’ve never been in dog mess.  Or dirty, or muddy, or wet! Do you ever think about me or what I need?”

            “He’s right footed.  Every time he feels something needs to get kicked, who do you think gets smacked around?”

            “I can’t believe this.  I’m sick of hearing you complain.”

            “Ahhhhh, no!  No, no, no”

            “What happened?”

            “Horseshit!  How did he find horseshit to step in?”

            “It’s not too bad.  Only the heel.”

            “That’s great.  How would you like to be the one covered in horseshit?  That’s it. I’m gonna trip him.”

            “Don’t do that.”

            “Damn double knots.  I can’t get them untied.”

            “Give him a break.”

            “I can’t believe I’m hearing this!  Why are you always on his side?  How did we ever get paired up at the factory?  Some terrible mistake?”

            “How can you say that?”

            “C’mon baby.  I didn’t mean it that way.”

            “So what does terrible mistake really mean?  Maybe you’re correct.  Maybe it would have been better if I never met you.  Maybe I should have stayed with the other left boot!”

            “Baby, we were made for each other.  That other left boot was just an experiment for you, and look how that turned out.  It’s unnatural!”

            “Why don’t you think before you talk?  Is there no brain to tongue filter?”

            “I know, I know.  I got carried away.  I’m sorry.”

            “You better be.”

            “I am.  C’mon baby, I can’t stand to see you upset. You complete me.  I love you.”

            “I love you too.”