Eudoxis and Quintus Fabius Ambustus Start Their Tour in Khafji
The hot, gusty winds blew a layer of fine sand into Corporal Chuck Ingraham’s face. He peered with a pair of binoculars out the window of a shattered building. Only gunfire spoke in the empty streets, and clouds of black smoke briefly obscured Ingraham’s vision The corporal was looking for the platoon of Iraqi Republican Guard tanks that he and his reconnaissance team had been tracking for the past hour. It was with no small amount of surprise that he saw a dingy bus pull into the courtyard of the apartment building 150 meters to his northeast. Five skinny men, wearing tight black jeans and t-shirts sauntered out, their long hair whipped by the fierce wind. Ingraham ducked out of the window, sitting back and wiping a bead of sweat off his forehead.
“Chuck, do you see those tanks out there? We need to take those bastards out to so the rest of the regiment can roll in. Command wants to know coordinates for the next air strike.”
“I’m not sure what the hell is going on. Get the men ready to move out, we may need to check this out in person.” Ingraham crept up with his binoculars again, and saw even more people pour of the bus, carrying guitars, amps and what looked like a huge stainless steel bass drum. “Alright guys, get ready to roll. We’re going to those apartments to the northeast. Set up a perimeter around the courtyard, and keep your eyes peeled for those Iraqis.” Ingraham secured his binoculars and clicked off the safety of his M16. “Let’s go!”
The Marine recon team boiled out of the building, weapons at the ready. They kept a loose formation, eyes and rifles pointed down alleyways and up at possible sniper positions. They quickly covered the distance to the bus, where Ingraham saw a huge banner now hung. It read Eudoxis in slanted silver capitals. The soldiers spread around the courtyard and set up their squad automatic weapon pointing down the main road that lead to the courtyard while Ingraham approached the five men in black
“Corporal Chuck Ingrahamn, U.S. third marines. Who the fuck are you?”
“Eudoxis, greatest metal band on this planet!” shouted the dark haired man in the middle of the group, and all five grimaced fiercely and raised their hands in the two fingered evil eye salute to all things metal. “Mars and Mario on guitar, J.P. on drums, Raz on bass, and I’m Sotiri, lead vocals! Straight outta Montreal and ready to rock Khafji, eh!”
“We’re in the middle of a fucking war! The Iraqis invaded this city this morning! Haven’t you heard the bombs going off?”
“No fighting can stop us man!” Roadies scurried around the confused soldier and black clad rock star, carrying several generators and a mic stand. “When we released our newest album, Open Fire, we knew we had to tour harder than ever before! Get the message out to new fans! This area of the world is the cradle of civilization man, the start of everything! We all decided we had to start this monster tour in Khafji, here in Saudi Arabia!” Sotiri exclaimed. “Eh!”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Listen man! I got this great idea when I was reading about Quintus Fabius Ambustus!”
“Who the fuck are you talking about?”
“Quintus Fabius Ambustus man! Quintus Fabius Ambustus was a politician in the Roman Republic, the son of Marcus Fabius Ambustus. In 390 BCE, when his father was pontifex maximus, he and two of his brothers, Numerius and Caeso, were sent as emissaries to a Gaulish army besieging Clusium. Instead of entering into negotiations, however, the three Fabii gathered their forces and aided the citizens of Clusium in a sally against the Gauls. Quintus Fabius himself killed one of the Gaulish leaders. Outraged, the Gauls demanded that the senate hand over the three brothers for violating “the law of nations”. Instead, all three were honoured by election as consular tribunes. Further incensed, the Gauls marched on Rome, defeated the Roman Army at the battle of the Allia, and sacked the city!” Sotiri waved his hands in excitement. Behind him, the generators roared to life and one of the roadies began to hook up the microphone. “Don’t you see!” he asked Ingraham.
“I see you are in imminent danger of getting your ass blown away if you stick around here!” said the soldier.
“Check, check. One, two, check” said the roadie at the microphone.
“Thousands of years man, and mankind is still fighting, eh!” Sotiris shouted. “But maybe the power of rock can bring us together!”
“Sibilance, sibilance” said the roadie at the microphone.
“Hey Big Larry! Vocals sound great!” Sotiri called out. The roadie answered with an evil eye salute and scurried off.
“Listen,” said Ingraham, tightening his grip on his M16, “in less than an hour there are going be several thousands tons of death rolling into this city in the form of Abrams tanks. You don’t want to be here.”
“Hey Sotiri! Are you gonna play “Tormented We Fall”? It’s our favorite!” Ingraham snapped his head around to see two women with bleach blonde hair and denim jackets.
“Some groupies will follow you anywhere!” Sotiri grinned. “True fans right there!” He stuck his tongue out and raised the evil eye. “Anything for you, ladies!” The two women squealed and jumped up and down.
“Are you fucking nuts?” asked Ingraham.
“I’m not going to let some hoser named Saddam screw this tour up!” Sotiri shouted. Big Larry the roadie ran up with a pair of football shoulder pads, spikes attached. Sotiri pulled them on, and the rest of the band assembled around their instruments. J.P. thumped out a few notes on his bass drum, and the guitars let loose with a couple of power cords. The two blondes began to scream in excitement and ran closer to the band. Big Larry stood in front of the mic stand and stopped them from coming too close.
“Gig’s starting man! I gotta go! Rock on, eh!”
“I’m getting the fuck out of here” muttered Ingraham. He motioned to the perimeter of Marines around the courtyard. “Let’s go! Fall back to the original position!” he shouted. Behind the departing Ingraham, Eudoxis slammed into the first single of their new album, headbanging in the hot breeze rolling through Khafji.