Baby you gotta believe me!

Baby, You Gotta Believe Me!

Listen baby, please, I never got your message.  I swear.  Why?  I went out yesterday, and while I was gone, the power cut out at my apartment.  Your message must have been erased during the outage.  I swear!  Why don’t you believe me?  Listen baby, here’s what happened.  I was working out and had just finished a couple of heavy sets of one legged Romanian deadlifts and Bulgarian swiss ball split squats when I felt a twinge in my left quadriceps.  I went into the bathroom and realized I didn’t have any Icyhot left.  You know that ever since I got stuck in that pipe and had to get lifted out by a crane that I haven’t missed a day of exercise.  What a wake up call that was, a real blessing in disguise.  After that day, I totally turned my life around.  What’s that?  Sorry, sorry, I’ll keep going.  Well, after I felt that twinge in my left quad, I wanted to get some Icyhot on the muscle to loosen it up. 

            So I head to the pharmacy and you know what?  They had Ridge Pike totally blocked off.  There was this huge funeral procession for that woman that died from rabies when she was on vacation out west.  I heard she was out hiking and almost got eaten by a bear, escapes that, then the next day gets bitten in the middle of town by a rabid dog!  What a shame.  Anyway, they had blocked off Ridge Pike totally for the funeral procession.  I had to get that Icyhot, so I decided to take a couple of back roads.  I’m driving on those winding roads and I had just passed the Jenkins farm when the craziest thing happened.  There was this puff of smoke and this guy just appeared in my passenger seat out of thin air!  No, wait, wait!  Just listen.  This guy appears in my car, and I nearly crashed.  I’m swerving all over the road cause he scared the hell out of me and you know what he does?  He just looks at me and asks me if he knew who Owen Dames was!  I tell him I don’t know what he’s talking about, and then he asks if he was in Topeka!  Topeka?  I said no, and he says something in a foreign language and just disappears again!  I swear! 

            So I’m still shakin up from this crazy guy’s disappearance act and all of a sudden this horse just runs in front of my car!  I didn’t have any time to react and I hit the horse.  Terrible shame, there was nothing I could do.  No, no, the horse wasn’t okay.  It was, ummm, I don’t know how to put this delicately, but the horse was decapitated.  So I pull to the side of the road and get out of the car.  This cowboy shuffles out of the field next to the road, and he’s got his pants around his ankles.  He goes over to the horse and starts crying.  I went over to him and I apologized, asked him if there was anything I could do.  He grabbed me by my shirt and told me there was nothing I could do, that Buttercup was the love of his life.  He started crying again and shuffled back into the field, pants still around his ankles. 

            So out of the field on the other side of the road comes this big group of people in white robes, and they all had their heads shaved, even the women.  They were all chanting, and the guy at the head of the group comes up to me and says his name is Wade Burcamp and he asks me what kind of quark I am.  I tell him I’m not really sure, but if he had a cell phone, I would sure appreciate if he would let me make a call.  Wade looks at me for a minute and hands over a cell phone along with a pamphlet about quarks.  I said thanks and called the cops to report the accident.  Wade took his cell phone back, and he and everyone starts walking back into the woods and chanting. 

            So the cops show up in a couple of minutes and I explain what happened.  They got real interested when I told them about the cowboy, and said that fit the description of someone they were looking for, they had a bunch of complaints about some guy harassing some local farmer’s horses.  They took off into the fields to look for him, and by that time my quad was getting really tight and I knew I need to get some Icyhot on it soon.  The only thing wrong with my car was a smashed up bumper, so I got back on the road and head out to the pharmacy. 

            So I finally get to the pharmacy and I’m in line getting ready to pay when this guy runs into the pharmacy and into the back where all the medicines are.  He starts tearing apart the shelves and throwing pills around.  He screams about finally getting out of the Somnotorium and he was looking for Wednesday and Monday was gone too, and he was Friday.  I told him to relax man, it’s Saturday.  So he tears apart the pharmacy and runs out again.  I don’t want to wait any longer to get some Icyhot on my quad so I just pay for it and head back home.  By this time the funeral procession has already passed by so Ridge Pike is clear, and I listen to the radio on the way back and I hear this report about downed power lines.  There was this bald eagle that was carrying a horse’s head and it came into contact with some big electric lines and caused a shortage.  When I got back to my place, it didn’t have any power, and my answering machine lost any messages that might have been on it, and that’s why I didn’t call you back.  Baby?   Are you still there?