Golden Blonde Monster

“Why can’t she do it?” I asked.

“Courtney forgot she had a wedding this weekend” Dad answered.

How the hell do you forget you have a wedding? “How the hell did she forget she was going to a wedding?” I replied, exasperated. I thought I had dodged a bullet when my sister had agreed to dogsit for Dad’s golden retriever this weekend.

“I don’t know! She just did, and I have to leave soon if I’m going to get to the hotel on time. Can I bring Sugar over?”

“Can’t do it. Unexpected space mission. Very important, the president himself called me. The shuttle launches at 0600 tomorrow morning . It’s a matter of national security.”

“What?”

I sighed. “I’m kidding. Bring her over.” Dad had a convention to go to in New York this weekend, a place where wholesalers of collectible gifts gathered to sell collections of gifts to retailers, who would then pass on the gifts to the hapless collectors of said gifts. As I looked at it, it was just crap that people sold to each other that they didn’t really want or need. Dad needed to stock up on the next season of crap for his store, and the dog needed a place to stay.

“Thanks, thanks a lot, I really appreciate it. I’ll be on my way it a few minutes.” Dad said.

“Great.” I spent the next twenty minutes picking up anything I found remotely valuable and moving it beyond dog-reach. Courtney didn’t pick up when I called her, she knew that I wouldn’t be terribly pleased at this point. A frenzied barking at the door interrupted my cleaning. I opened the door as Sugar clawed and jumped happily at the door, while Dad stood with her leash and a grocery bag filling his arms.

“Hi Dad, I ugghhh!” Sugar’s excited pouncing had, with unerring aim, led her whack me right in the nutsack with a stray paw. “Come on in” I whispered, bent over in pain.

“Thanks again. She gets a cup and a half of food in the morning, and one again at night. I’ve got the food, her bowls, and some chew toys.” Dad put the grocery bag on my kitchen table as we three walked further into my place. Sugar kept barking “I hate to run, but I gotta hit the highway, traffic is going to be bad enough already.” He unhooked Sugar from the leash, patting her on the head. “See you Sunday girl. Be good.” Sugar barked, and peed on the floor. “Oops, I think she must be excited to see you.” I sighed and reached for some paper towels and cleaner.

“Don’t worry about it, Dad, just get going. I’ll see you Sunday.”

“See you!” The door shut as he left, and I crouched over to clean up the dog’s mess, and she barked and licked my face. “Knock it off, Sugar.” I threw the soaked paper towels away and put the leash back on her. “Let’s go for a walk, maybe tire you out a little bit.” Sugar barked, and we headed for a tour of the neighborhood. We walked the sidewalks of the development, barking, sniffling, and lunging at every new scent and sight, Sugar pulling at the leash and doing her best to dislocate my shoulder. She only stopped long enough on my little patch of front lawn to poop as we were coming back.

“Ahh, crap” I muttered. Leading her back into the house, I took off the leash and rummaged around in the kitchen for a plastic bag as Sugar barked and licked my face.

“Thanks girl, I’ll be right back in. Be good.” I shut the door behind me and stood over Sugar’s little gift. I sighed and quickly bagged it, tying the top of the bag tightly and dropping it in the trashcan outside. “Damn dog.” I said, opening up the front door. “Double damn dog” I said, noticing the large dark stain on my living room carpet. Sugar barked. “Weren’t we just outside? Didn’t you already piss in the house?” Sugar barked again and followed me into the kitchen to grab the rest of the paper towels. I blotted out the wetness as the dog looked on. Walking back to the kitchen, I threw the double handful of towels away and washed my hands. The empty cardboard tube sat forlornly on the counter. I was all out of paper towels, and had the grim idea I would certainly need more. I turned to the pair of kidneys sitting happily right behind me. “Alright Sugar. I’m gonna go out. I’ll be right back. Be good.” Sugar barked. I grabbed my keys off the counter, and Sugar’s barking was mercifully cut short as shut the door behind me.

It was only about five minutes to the nearest grocery store, and walked quickly inside. I veered down the correct aisle, and grabbed the nearest two pack of paper towels before heading to the register. Halfway down the aisle I stopped and headed back, my hands touching a three pack briefly before tucking a six pack of peace of mind under my arm. All in all, I must have been gone for about fifteen minutes total before coming back to my place to find a new, larger stain on my living room carpet and another in the kitchen.

“What the hell is wrong with you? I haven’t even put any water out for you!” Sugar sat at my feet and began licking my knee. I glanced at the clock on my microwave. “Forty two minutes! You’ve been here forty two goddamn minutes!” I waved my hands in the air. Sugar barked. I closed my eyes and slumped my shoulders, afraid to open them again to see the dog peeing more.