Happiest Of Holidays

Well hello there! Hope this holiday season has brought you nothing buy joy and peace of mind! Sorry I have been a little silent on the communication front these past few months, but I have finally myself a little bit together in time for Christmas, and it seemed like a great opportunity to catch up. You have to let me know how little Chuck’s football season went. I know excited he was to start playing. Did he get to be a linebacker? I bet he had a great time. How did you Lisa’s ballerina lessons turn out? This is her third year, I think? I bet she gets better every day.

I hate to bring up less than happy news at this time of the year, but things have been a little rough on with relationships this year. Do you remember Sharon, that special woman who worked in accounting that mentioned in my last Christmas letter? It wasn’t long after the New Year that our office IT department made several new hires, one of which was a lovely girl name Kate. I have to admit that I wasn’t perfectly clear with Sharon as to the nature of our relationship, and whether it was continuing or not. At the same time, I perhaps did not inform Kate as to the exact nature of my relationship with Sharon, and its state of continuity. This situation came to a resolution after an unfortunate bit of timing as Sharon was leaving my apartment just as Kate was coming to visit. After a bit of heated conversation, this event had the previously unforeseen consequence of driving the woman away from my arms, and into someone else’s. Specifically, each other’s arms. The only topic of conversation more exciting and titillating at work occurred, when after a girls night out of wine, dancing, and some unflattering descriptions of my physical and emotional state of being, Kate and Sharon pulled Rose, the head of the human resource department, into their frenzied lesbian lifestyle. A passionate three way all girl affair in the workplace certainly led to some spicy whispered conversations at the watercooler, and made the day more exciting for everyone. Except me. Unfortunately, these three focused their incredible passion not only among themselves, but on making my life more difficult. My computer constantly crashed, my paychecks were sent out late with odd, random deductions, and suddenly my health insurance was only valid in Mexico City. The coup de grace came in an incident, which allegedly originated my from email address and was sent company wide. It can only be referred to as “The Emu incident”, and involved the benevolent, well liked, octogenarian CEO of our company, Mr. Hanover. I assure you that it was entirely photoshopped and had nothing to do with me at all. I can only assume its source was my three Sapphic tormentors. When confronted with the existence of these slandering photographs, I could do nothing to prove my innocence. I never knew that an eight seven year old man could swing so hard, nor shatter my nose into so many pieces.

Which leads me to the here and now. While trying to seek medical treatment for my nose, I was forced to travel to Mexico City. It was another bit of unfortunate timing that led me to find the unmarked alley and the two dumpsters that made up my primary physician’s office just as it was being raided for an alleged illegal body parts/organ transplant black market operation. My three years of high school German did me little help in my conversation to dissuade the Mexican police that I was not involved, and I currently await extradition to the United States. In the spirit of giving, I would appreciate if you sent me as much pantyhose and Pez dispensers as you could. Being a provider of these aforementioned items would make my current living conditions much more tolerable. Only for god’s sake, don’t send any sugar free Pez. You don’t even want to know what happened to the last poor bastard who tried to pass that off as normal candy. I hope this letter finds you in good health and good spirits. Merry Christmas.

Your friend,

Jay