In-flight Movies for Fixers
The monitor flashes the word “Welcome!” in forest green for several seconds, then displays a red box with black type that reads: “For best results, turn to channel six.” It waits several seconds for the viewers to comply. If the viewers have plugged a set of headphones into the armrest and switched to channel six, they will hear a burst of tinny orchestral music.
“Please pay careful attention to this video, which is designed to be fun - and contains some important survival tips.”
CGI planes crisscross a stylized United States. Speeches. Barbecues. Photo opportunities. Handshaking, lots of it.
“You’re constantly on the go. Your typical day is anything but typical. You have help” - this is coupled with a short clip demonstrating staffers at work - “but there is never enough of you to go around.”
A weary-looking man with rolled up sleeves studies a report under the map light in the rear of a darkened bus. Everyone around him appears to have sacked out. The film abruptly cuts to a gray screen with the outline of the capitol building. Reams of paper appear at the bottom and rise up in wavering white towers.
“The average bill contains hundreds of pages. Most of the time, you won’t get the opportunity to see all of them before you vote.”
The stacks collapse and fill the screen with flying paper. Close up on a hammering gavel, which pans back into the House of Representatives and stops at a familiar C-Span perspective.
“How can you best represent your constituents?”
Blue washout, and the curious - and borderline hypnotic - spinning logo.
“The Dalas Group has the solution.” …
Three months prior to the video’s release found Roderick Cullen receiving Prescott Zellous in his Santa Barbara office. Roderick was not a politician. He looked at the politician’s outstretched hand and snorted. “‘Prescott Zellous?’ What the hell kind of name is that?”
Zellous opened his mouth, but too much time elapsed before he used it, and Cullen was off on another rant. This would happen a lot.
“So, PZ, I understand you are the Majority Whip. Sounds Kinky, Ames and I think Washington’s smashing, really, with all of those staid, puritanical facades just barely covering some of the dirtiest, sexiest secrets. In Socal we gotta work our bodies backward in time and suspend them if we wanna stay on top - In D.C. you guys say fuck it, I’ll be ugly as I wanna be, and still get everything I want. Power. That’s power.”
“-So you and Ms. Dalas have had time to consider the proposal.” Zellous interjected, taking advantage of a small window while Cullen sucked Mango Juice through a straw. “And you have been - discrete?”
The sucking stopped. “Yeah. We’ll keep it under our lids… Long as you take care of that other thing.”
Two weeks after that, Cullen presented a mock-up storyboard in a nearly bug-free Chicago conference room. Zellous was in attendance, along with his minority whip counterpart and the majority and minority leaders, and all of their chiefs of staff.
“The Dalas group mainly consults with businesses, but I think plenty of our work will resonate with a room full of politicians. In the very least, you will finally know what was behind Jack Valenti’s grin when he conned you into extending Disney’s copyrights. Tiny bottles of water are going around, be sure to get one. There is a smiley face emoticon on the inside label of three of them, and anyone who draws one of those will receive a free introductory session with Amy G. herself. Remember when people drank tap water? Why don’t they drink it any more? Somebody should look into that, maybe investigate the bottle water companies and see if they’ve been planting stories. Unless they’re one of our clients, of course, then forget it. Today we’re going to talk about faces. Namely, yours, mine, and everyone else’s. There are almost two hundred muscles in the face. Did you know Charlie Chaplin had developed a smile that people can’t do naturally? Scientist Paul Ekman only learned how after he located the minor muscles in his own face with electric shocks.”
The monitor finally came online as Cullen’s technical staff solved the problem.
“Ah-ha!,” He said, as the blue “no signal” screen became a different color of blue, and the Dalas logo spun into the frame. “Let’s show you our overarching theme, subliminal, liminal, and - superliminal? Never mind, it’s shadow quote time!”
Nobody nominated you because you could think, and nobody will elect you if you do.