Gwendolinguistics
Erik clasped his hand over his mouth as soon as Gwendolyn turned back around to check the projection, and the six of us likewise tried to suppress a laughter fast escaping as unattractive snorts. Gwendolyn’s father dozed in the dim light, lowering the stakes considerably. This was Gwendolyn’s Friday presentation to the board, and Erik’s finest prank yet.
“Dianese, Rogers and Tirel are selling better than expected. We can explain this by looking at national sales for Raucocous1 art, which appear to be on the rise.”
She pronounced it as best as she could, I suppose. Erik clenched his eyes tight and whimpered. The company vice president was undeterred.
“I’ll be looking at next year’s projections as soon as Tracy is finished with them, but I’m inclined to feel portendentious2. ” I did snort at that point, and I wasn’t the only one. Gwendolyn paused, and then continued with a tinge of acid.
“Prospects are above average for next year, if everybody remembers to document expenditures religiously on the one hand, and be twice as aggressive on the floor, on the other.” She’d begun to pace a bit, and I froze when she stopped behind me.
“Hal, I need you in particular to be deviriligent3. ”
Erik made a sound that resembled: “Ba-ha!” through his crossed arms. Set free, the rest of us chuffed derisively and tapered off into silence. The projector fan engaged, and Gwendolyn heeled over to it and switched it off. Then she turned on the light and left us all blinking. Her father remained asleep.
“I’m not an idiot. You think I can’t tell when someone’s making fun of me? I don’t know why, and I don’t care. I know I didn’t go to school for this, and you all have got at least five to twenty years of experience on me. But my dad asked me to come here and learn to run this place, so that’s what I’m gonna do. Anybody got a problem with that?”
“No, of course not.” Said Erik, feigning innocent concern, and he and Gwendolyn stared each other down like a pair of parakeets about to splay feathers over a perch. Gwendolyn’s father shifted. “What’s all that commotion?” he murmured peevishly.
His daughter gently laid her hand on his wrist and stared a thousand yards into nothing. “Nothing, daddy. We’re just going through a Calumniphate4, but it will pass.”
…
1 Raucocous – a movement that venerates “darker and edgier” arts, distinguished by the harsh, throaty voices of its principals. Or so Erik told Gwendolyn. Actually, it’s a mishmash of Raucous and Rococo into a fake art term Gwen swallowed hook, line and sinker.
2 Portendentious – marked by a strong implicit point of view promoting a dismal or catastrophic future. Tracy made this one up after Gwen claimed half credit for an analysis the two of them worked on “as a team.” Tracy was the analyst, Gwen the junior administrator who occasionally checked her progress.
3 Deviriligent – demonstrating a military chaplain’s discipline. My fake vocab word, delivered with a straight face to Gwen after she called me out for reporting a client lunch cost with a menu instead of a receipt. She took it as a compliment, naturally.
4 Calumniphate – A time period or territory in which a malicious falsehood reigns, frequently a close orbit of the liar, or Calumniph. I’m not sure who came up with that one.
Erik? Tracy?
Was it me?
Was it her?