Redecorating, Doug-Style

Knock knock knock.

I shuffled to the door, head pounding from last night’s festivities. I couldn’t drink like I used to, but my college buddy Doug tried to make up for the both of us. He drank so much beer that he hurt his elbow lifting beer mugs and had to switch to shots. That’s what he said last night. It made a little more sense at the time. The sunlight stabbed into my eyes as I swung the door open, and I shielded my eyes, groaning.

“Hello?” I croaked.

A smiling man in a dark blue jumpsuit with a matching baseball hat was standing in front of me. The name “Wade” was stitched in scarlet capital letters on a white patch above his left breast pocket.

“Good morning sir. Your delivery is here” he said cheerfully.

“What are you talking about?”

“The couch you ordered. I’m sorry, is this the correct residence?” He handed over his clipboard, and my eyes slowly focused on the computer printout, with my name and address on it. For a Leather Comfort Deluxe Model 9000P, along with a large stack of chocolate chip waffles.

“I didn’t order any couch. Or any waffles.”

“But is this the correct address sir?”

“Well, it’s my address, but I didn’t order any new furniture, or any breakfast either.

Wade’s grin grew even wider. “Well sir, that’s our specialty service. The highest quality, highest comfort couches at the lowest prices, delivered whenever you want, along with waffles just like Ma used to make. What else could you possibly need?©”

“But this can’t be mine”

Nothing could dim Wade’s enthusiasm. “Don’t worry sir. It’s all be pre-paid via credit card. It looks like this order came in last night.”

“DOUG!!” I hollered. What the hell had he done last night? Leaving my new friend Wade on the porch, I spun around and stomped through my house, hollering Doug’s name. He stumbled out of my living room, eyes still half closed, hair sticking up on wildly on his head, wearing only a pair of boxers. He was scratching his balls.

“What? Is it noon already?” he mumbled.

“Did you order a couch last night?”

“Maybe.”

“How about a couch and some chocolate chip waffles?”

His bloodshot eyes opened wide. “Yeah man. Did they show up already? That website wasn’t lying, they really do deliver quick!”

“What website?” I ran to my computer, which was humming ominously. I always turned it off whenever I was done using it. Sitting down, I tapped the keyboard and shut off the screensaver. Doug stood at my shoulder.

“Stop scratching your balls!” I screamed. “Are those my boxers?”

“I found them in your dresser in your room.”

“Yeah, well, that probably means they are mine. You can keep them now.” The “Ma’s Couches and Waffles” website was still pulled up on the screen, and I read through the order confirmation for the Deluxe 9000P and chocolate chip waffles, with extra chocolate chips.

“Man, I don’t want those waffles to get cold.” Doug wandered out of the living room. I continued reading, finding the extra charge for a Saturday delivery. I groaned and closed out the web browser, and I was greeted by an interesting sight on my computer. A buxom blonde lass was bent over a table, whilst a midget stood on a stool behind her. Both were naked, save the construction helmet the midget wore. While the blonde’s face was contorted in ecstasy, the midget was staring directly at the camera and appeared to be shouting something. His hand was raised, whether in triumph or simply the slap the blonde’s ass I wasn’t sure. Doug must have changed the wallpaper on my computer.

“Do you like the new wallpaper on your computer?” Doug’s voice floated in from outside on the porch. “Pretty funny huh?”

“How did you pay for couch?” I yelled.

“With a credit card.”

“What! I thought you forgot all your credit cards at home!”

“I did. Didn’t we go over this at the bar last night?”
I ran outside. Doug was sitting on the couch, which had been unloaded from the truck and was sitting on my porch. He was waving to Wade, who waved back and flashed a bright smile as he pulled out of my driveway.

“Did you meet Wade? He’s a pretty nice guy.” Doug absentmindedly handed me a sheet of paper with one hand as he dug through a paper bag with the other. “Here, I signed for the delivery. I used one of your credit cards last night.”

I snatched the paper out of his hand. “What!”

“You gotta relax man, you are way too uptight. You have to learn to enjoy yourself. I was sleeping on your old couch, but it sucks, man. It’s really uncomfortable. I thought you might like a new one. C’mon, sit down, it’s really nice.”

I covered my eyes with both hands and tried to take some deep, slow breaths.

“How much did this cost?”

“Stop worrying so much. You can’t take any money with you when you’re dead, right? Aw, what the hell!”

I uncovered my eyes. “What now?”

“These are blueberry waffles, not chocolate chip. You ought to call and complain.”

I covered my eyes again. “Hey,” Doug asked, “Do you want to carry the couch in before we finish breakfast or afterwards?”