Jay

Who hasn’t heard the name Jay [Witheld for National Security Reasons]? Philosopher, Ninja, seven time winner of the Betty Crocker Bake Off, Author. Sensei Jay is a man that aspires to whatever challenge comes his way. Most people have seen the news coverage of his single handed, personal contribution to the war on terror. Judging by sales figures in the U.S. alone, 3 out of 4 households own an authentic Jay [*********] Katana Blade. By now we are all familiarized with his meditative techniques and the large body of literary works he produced in his lifetime, but do we know what inspired him? No, few were there to see the story unfold or watch him dedicate his life for the greater good of man.

I remember the day during our freshman year that we were sitting in art class sculpting some mundane ideas that most of us would never see bake in the kiln. That’s when the news of Wilt Chamberlain’s record of sleeping with over 20,000 women hit our young pubescent ears. Staring at our lumps of clay, we marveled at the prospect of sleeping with one woman, let alone fathoming the rigors of thousands. But not Jay.

“I can beat that,” he said. This seventeen year old dreamer looked me right in the eye when he said it, then he added, “Before I am twenty-five, too.”

Had we not gone to college together, roomed together, and developed the sure sign of privacy – a little masking tape over the keyhole- I would never had believed the totals he racked up our freshmen year. Some days I slept in the lounge, and I believe it was one of those nights where I was soberly watching Baywatch Nights or The Cartoon Network surrounded by drunks and insomniacs that he found his true calling while plugging away at some cheerleader. He told me his dream at breakfast.

“It’s gotta be more than simple discipline, candles and alcohol to get a woman in bed and succeed. There has to be something out there.”

Part of this was that following his dream had cost him greatly. In four months he spent more on candles than he did one food. And so, in order to save money and learn more about the human body, mind and libido he signed up for tantric yoga, philosophy classes and, following a hunch, an online course on Feng Shui.

Two months and about 300 hundred girls later, Jay had put his hypothesis to work by teaching us his methods, but only after we signed a waiver. The man is cagey as well as brilliant. He taught half the floor of our dorm his methods, including the kids who’d play D&D straight through a Friday night, and left the three most handsome jocks ignorant as a control group. It came down to one simple truth: Feng Shui is the key to gaining a legendary sexual status. Jay’s theory held that where one placed the couch, planted the bed or parked the car really did matter. It was the sure difference between setting off a powder keg and lighting a sparkler. Within a week, we were rock stars who were sick of performing and the girls were addicts. Imagine Kinsey, but successful. That’s the Jay [**********] I know.